If I knew that writing a book was just editing and not capturing this beacon of light, I would have started a long time ago.
I recently sent over a draft of my first three stories to an editor and it took years for it to come together. Literally, I’ve been pregnant with this phantom child since 2016. Well, that’s the first time I posted a picture of me writing a draft, but even before that, I was wrestling with the idea. I didn’t know how the images should be manifested. Did I have to write a book? Yes, I did and it took a lot of steps to get there. Honestly, it was discipline and spirituality. I don’t know about anyone else but writing is an incredibly vulnerable and painful experience. It literally felt like I was pulling the skin off my bones for the first few drafts.
So why would I take part in such a horrible activity? Because I didn’t have a choice and that’s where spirituality comes into play. In this blog, I’ll talk about what that process looked like. For anyone that’s trying to write their first book but also so I could document it. I mentioned this started years ago right? Well, I want to document it all before I forget.
Before I started
First, there were the dreams. I’m a very lucid dreamer and I’m one of those dreamers that can’t help but think “Oh that would be a great movie”. I’m also one of those people who think “I rather live in that reality. It’s way better than the real world.” Here and there I would write these visions down in my diary but I didn’t take anything seriously. I just wanted something to look back at and think wow that’s a great story. Or at least a place to revisit my old visions.
Next, there was a bit of testing. I went to acting school after high school and I found myself in a class where I had to write a scene. Well, I wrote one of my visions into a scene and quickly found the teacher to be highly supportive of the story that was in me. It was very flattering but obviously not enough for me to do anything about it. Let alone write a book.
During these first two steps, I was also wrestling spiritually with myself and what kind of creative person I wanted to be. I’ve always wanted to be like Charlie Chaplin. I loved that he did it all and that he was a master of his craft. But I went to a psychic and they told me I would be a producer for tv and film and not an actress. At that time I also felt this need to be accepted in my acting classes. My acting classes didn’t really have people of color. I’m Latina and I felt it.
Don’t get me wrong everyone was always supportive but I quickly saw how my accent and my beauty weren’t appreciated on the same level. That made me feel very small and very angry. So I decided if the world wanted to read or see my stories come to life, it would have to give me the opportunity to act first. Otherwise, it would get nothing.
Eventually, I found myself in California pursuing acting, working at a post-production facility, and feeling accepted but not fully. The hardest thing about acting for me was being praised for my talent by amazing casting directors, while I took seminars, but I could see it on their faces that they had nothing for me. I was even in a master class that I loved and the only advice my teacher could give me was “You just need to work, you just need to get out there.” Please remember this is before DEI became popular and I was lucky to get one audition a month for a Latina girl and the Latina girl parts weren’t always roles that were right for me.
When I officially started writing
Since I was feeling supported and loved by my post-production facility I decided to write down all the visions I had only shared with my diary. This is the first time I was writing and drawing my visions as scenes in a book. Two coworkers got me drawing pads and encouraged me to read Julia Cameron’s “The Artist Way”. That’s the kind of support I was receiving. This is also where I first started working as a receptionist and spent many hours doing nothing. And that killed me, so I filled my time with drafting my story. My coworkers loved my drawings and I let two people read my scenes and they thought the imagery was amazing but they encouraged me to chisel out the plot.
Another thing I was noticing at this time was how lucky I got when I was behind the scenes. When it came to acting, I was lucky if I got cast in a student film. Behind the scenes, back in NY before I moved to LA, I was putting up a theater show and I hosted auditions and this indie actor came into my audition for my small production. This guy had no idea how in love I was with him and his indie film. I had literally decided I wanted to name my first kid after his character’s name years before. Like how does that happen? This guy was everything to me and he came in to audition for me.
Another moment of support that I received, behind the scenes, was when I created my first short film. My first short film was an employee competition. I received a $1,000 budget and I was able to partner with the amazing creative people in my post-production facility. People whose work I’m sure you’ve seen. And I wasn’t able to pay anyone to help and I had all these people volunteering to work on my project. My amazing mentor and my script-writing teacher at the time both said to me “People want to work with you”. It was crazy and overwhelming. That amount of support. I was willing to give the universe a draft of my work after that love.
Unfortunately, I still felt lost on my path and decided to return to New York. It was a decision that came out of nowhere. Usually, I contemplate things to death but there was this split moment where I decided I was done and needed to return to New York and so I did. When I returned I pretty much surrendered to the universe and didn’t want to do anything. I applied for one job and I’m still there now. This phase in my life is dedicated to trusting the universe and going where it blows me. But don’t worry I’m slowly walking into the next phase titled “Taking back my power”.
So there I am. I got an office job and I felt completely useless as a receptionist. Being surrounded by powerful people and not working to my highest potential was completely infuriating. So I returned to college. My last week of school turned into the first week of my life where my job did not consist of me having to man a desk. I pushed myself. I learned a lot. And after a few years of that, I thought how can I work so hard to help others and not help myself?
When you get serious about writing a book
At work, I am incredibly disciplined and hardworking and I’m surrounded by all these go-getters and I think all of that energy jolted me awake. I didn’t just want to be a survivor. It was time to make something happen. I decided I’m done. I’m writing my story. It’s the only thing that matters to me in this world, the ideas still haunt me, and it’s the only thing I would regret if I died tomorrow.
So I listened to all these motivational speakers all the time (Earl Nightingale – “The strangest secret” impacted me the most). I saddled up and maybe four years ago, I started writing drafts of my story before and after work. Then I would take weeks off to edit and write some more. Luckily I captured a picture in the NY library to remind me around when this occurred in my life, April 22, 2019.
At this point, I was taking productive steps but I was still scared of writing a book. So I started blogging. Blogging gave me the habit of having a writing practice and it taught me not to be too precious. You can’t work when things are on a pedestal. They need to be on a table. I was also meeting with a therapist regularly and she encouraged me to redirect some of my energy back into writing my stories. And not allow my blog to distract me from writing my stories. While I was developing these different reiterations of my book I would get them printed at Kinkos and once at Target with my illustrations. Once you have something tangible, it exists and it can’t be ignored. I needed to do this to keep my motivation up.
The problem was I didn’t feel like the plot was fully flushed out and I didn’t know what to do about it. While listening to indie authors on YouTube I discovered this book about how to write a book, “Save the Cat Writes a Novel” and I devoured it. Honestly, that book felt like reading candy. So I took my book apart and cut it into sections.
This is when I realized my first book was actually three different stories. I wrote story one and revised it several times. Next, I wrote story two and revised it several times along with book one. Last I wrote story three and revised it several times with books one and two. Eventually, I stayed with the three stories and edited them several times before finally submitting them to an editor for a manuscript critique. And that’s where my books are now, with an editor. I also had one friend read it before my submission and she read it all in one sitting. That is the greatest compliment I could ever hope to receive. She couldn’t put my book down.
And where am I now? Ready to start my next book. This horrible activity has now become part of my identity.
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